Many of us find our parenting style too often mirrors the ways we were raised by our own parents. And this is not always a good thing.
My wife, Tina, and I were raised in pretty similar ways. If we had to name the style of parenting our parents often used we would call it “transactional”. Every desire or action–even our emotions–was connected to a certain requirement or response based on the “value” of what it was we desired. Or avoided.
If you want this, then…
I’m gonna be pretty vulnerable here because my own parenting was too much like this for years as well, but it sounded something like this:
“Well, if you want to go out and play with your friends this afternoon you’ll have to clean your room first.”
Or maybe…
“Since you didn’t finish cleaning your room today you’ll not be allowed to go out and play with your friends. Maybe next time you’ll listen.”
Transaction: If you want this you’ll have to do that.
It was like, “Since you didn’t “pay up” by doing what I asked, you won’t be getting the thing you wanted either.”
Here’s another example of how even our display of emotions, and how it made our parents feel or how it reflected on them, came into play as a transaction:
If we had been hurt in some way or were frustrated, disappointed or sad, our parents would often say something like,
“Don’t cry! If you want to cry I’ll give you something to cry about. You’d better go to your room until you can come back out here and be happy.
Transaction: If you can display emotions that please and reflect well upon us, then you can be around and hang out with the rest of the family.
If you suffer from a transactional parenting style I’m sure you’ve got versions of this too.
Grace-based parenting looks very different.
The Source of Grace
God himself is all about grace and choice. He created humanity with the ability to choose. Choose him and eternal life or choose self and a life outside of his ways.
If God is the all-knowing, all-powerful creator and savior of the world (and a perfect Father) and offers such freedom and grace to us, how much more do we get to live and parent this way as well?
Grace is defined as unmerited favor. That means that we get what we don’t always deserve in a given situation. And in and through his son Jesus, God’s grace was given to us in abundance because of the transaction that was made on our behalf at the Cross. But it’s our choice if we accept this for ourselves or not.
Grace offers choice and grace offers freedom. [clickToTweet tweet=”Grace offers choice and grace offers freedom.” quote=”Grace offers choice and grace offers freedom.”]
I wish my parenting style as my kids were growing up had been marked much more by grace and choice.
In his amazing book, Grace-Based Parenting, author Tim Kimmel shares that there are four freedoms we can offer our children (and each other) if we want to create grace-based environments and be parents that are known by grace.
➤ The freedom to be different. God made all of our children unique and he delights in them. If you’re a parent of more than one child you know how amazingly different they can be! Grace gives them the freedom to be themselves.
➤ The freedom to be vulnerable. Our children need to know they can be open with their emotions… joy, pain, fears etc. and that those emotions are safe with us. Emotions are a gift and reflection of what God himself is like. Grace makes it safe to be vulnerable.
➤ The freedom to be honest. Honest with us about their frustrations and disappointments without fear that they are risking our relationship. None of us are perfect parents. Are we willing to hear this from our children?
➤ The freedom to make mistakes. Even though there are consequences for their choices made, our love for them is secure and is not determined by their behavior and won’t change.
Either Way I Love You
So let’s look at the examples of transactional parenting I shared above and see what a more grace-based parenting would look and sound like.
“Well son, I would love for you to have fun playing with your friends today. That sounds awesome! We spoke about your room needing to be cleaned too, will you be able to get that finished and still have time to hang out later with your friends?”
Or,
“Sweetie, since Daddy and I want you to finish cleaning your room today and we know you want to go out and play with your friends, you’ll have to choose whether you want to watch cartoons this morning and clean later, or clean your room now so that you’ll have the time to play with everyone later on. It’s your choice honey. Love you!”
You can work out the other examples. I’m sure you’ve got a bunch of stuff spinning around your head and heart right now.
Everyone, regardless of their culture or upbringing, share the same three basic inner needs. Everyone feels the need to be securely loved, to feel their life has a significant purpose and that they have a strong hope for the future.
Grace-based parenting offers this.
Recognizing that you may at times not be offering your children grace, choice and freedom is an essential step to changing things. The next best time to get started with this is now. You can do this. Ask the perfect Father above to guide you. He will.
Here’s a question: Where have you seen or experienced the difference in transactional or grace-based parenting in your own experience? Leave me your thoughts in the comments below or on Facebook.
